On Sunday afternoon my dearest friend, Ellen Cassidy, passed away after living with cancer for over 13 years. I ask that you hold her in your prayers and your practices.
I feel deep gratitude for may years of Ellen's friendship. Her life was infused with meditation and study. In her years with cancer, she funneled seven years of acute pain into her practice, dedicating her own experience to the healing of all life on this the planet.

Ellen was radically optimistic. Her presence, empathy, love and cheerfulness touched many. She was an artist with a profound appreciation for aesthetics and the natural environment.

Ellen was in a place of peace and acceptance of her death. She had ceased to identify with her body; a few months ago she began consistently using “this body” rather than “I”. She left this world as a traveler ready to go on to her next adventure.

Two weeks ago I heard Jakusho Kwong-roshi, the abbot of Sonoma Mountain Zen Center, speak on being authentic with ourselves. He recommended we each have a deeply trusted, loving friend who sees us honestly and is non-judgmental--a friend able to act as mirror so that we can see ourselves more clearly. Ellen was this friend to me. My aspiration is that each of you finds such friendship in your life.

I miss her terribly.

My room, where I have been sleeping for the past two weeks, was most recently a shrine room. It has been a living room, and was originally intended as a dining room.

This house began as a small, East Bay, bungalow. Was given lean-to additions, inhabited by hordes of hippies, purchased 30 years ago by its current owner & settled back into as a family home. Then it was "lifted" with a first floor inserted under the main house.

For the past twenty or so years many members of my sangha have passed through. Few have stayed as long as my daughters and I. It is a place people from all over the world call on when they come to town and need a bed or a piece of floor. Acharyas and Dharma Bums crash here, leaving me with the residual feeling of deep sangha.

Late last night I found this message under my bed. I do not know who it was intended for, or how this became my plight.

These monkeys are not visible to my eyes, nor are their holes. As I sit contemplating my doom, I wonder "If the housetop is a metaphor for my mind, then who are these monkeys, and what is leaking through the holes?"

Come dance with me. Scientists say the earth is humming. Creating a music too deep for human ears.  I know we feel it in our bodies the way an infant feels it's mother's voice from her womb.

"No mere cacophony, but actually a kind of music, huge, swirling loops of sound, a song so strange you can't really fathom it, so low it can't be heard by human ears, chthonic roars churning from the very water and wind and rock themselves, countless notes of varying vibration creating all sorts of curious tonal phrases that bounce around the mountains and spin over the oceans and penetrate the tectonic plates and gurgle in the magma and careen off the clouds and smack into trees and bounce off your ribcage and spin over the surface of the planet in strange circular loops, "like dozens of lazy hurricanes," as one writer put it."

sources:
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2008/04/23/notes042308.DTL&nl=fix

http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20080416/sc_livescience/earthshumsoundsmoremysteriousthanever;_ylt%3DAjOQz3ZUepDUSnQMFMHdRL4DW7oF

I learned that I can still nap with a 6 year-old chatting to me the entire time, hanging from the bed frame, and bouncing all over me.

I remembered that I am much happier if I take time to meditate for 30 minutes first thing in the morning.

I learned that can drink 20 ounces of swamp-monster** soup in one sitting if I have gone without enough green vegetables in the last week.

I learned that I can procrastinate doing my taxes for an entire weekend even though this is the only item on my "to do" list. (Never mind, those were my 2006 taxes. I have procrastinated for an entire year.)

I learned that I can give my 14 year-old daughter a hair cut, and she can still like it the next day. (Major kudos, mom!).

I learned that I have been marketing myself as a graphic designer in the most dry, flat, soulless way for years. It was not until I joined the Zaadz community and posted my Zpro pages, that I admitted publicly what clientelle I wish to attract. I was reading Sam Rosen's profile, and linked to his Versatility Group website. I realized that I need to re-speak how I communicate who I am as a designer. I have been attracting businesses and individuals with a strong purpose towards healing people, the planet, culture, society, etc. This is my client base. This is my element. I shall claim it fearlessly.

I learned that it is really great to be back surfing through the Gaia community after a break of over a week while traveling. Now about those taxes…

**swamp-monster soup is made by cooking a bunch of kale or chard or collards along with a bunch of spinach in a pot of vegetable stock. I add some pressed garlic, and a little chili pepper Towards the end I wilted 2 or 3 spring onions, a handful of fresh basil, one of parsley and one of cilantro. The greens get cooked until soft, but no longer. Everything is pureed in a blender and consumed immediately. I find my kids slurp the soup down greedily. It is beautiful, vibrant green, and deliciously packed with vitamins and minerals. Yum.

(Image of juvenile swamp monster swiped from the web.)

My memories of being content center mostly around times when my life has been quiet and simple: a camping trip, an extended meditation retreat, the quiet period after birth of one of my girls. These are times when much of my busyness of life has fallen away, and I am able to connect with myself deeply.

I recently experienced a lengthy ear infection. I found myself struggling with discomfort and irritation for the first two weeks. Eventually, I settled into this sensation of isolation and disconnection from the world. I accepted that this was not going away quickly, and found that same space of contentment. This provided me capacity for introspection and rest. A minor evolution has occurred.

Contentment is something I need to remember to look for. I believe it is usually there. But I am so lost in my doings and thinkings that I need a break from my habits to acknowledge that I am indeed content.

My Dearest Felow Zaadsters,

I have just read the Terms and Privacy section of our Gaia community.

Under #11 (full text below), ownership of any creative content we Zaadsters have published on the site has been relinquished to Gaia for their use. Not only that, if we pull our content off the site, they will still retain a copy which they can use if they wish!!!

This includes all of your photos, blog entries, artwork, music, and poetry--any intellectual content you have posted. So it affects the community at large as well as the creative community.

I am asking creatives and supporters to join me in demanding that Gaia remove this clause  by January 30th. Otherwise we will ban the site.

I joined this community in good faith. I wished to connect with other spiritually-minded people in community and potential friendship. I wished to grow my business by planting the seeds with the aware community, to support conscious businesses and help them grow. This is a professional and personal violation.

I have never before written a petition. I ask that those who feel strongly about the removal of #11 please post a comment stating your support. This is a means of collecting virtual signatures to let the owners of Gaia know that we will maintain the right to our creative content.

This is written in support of our community, with the intention of the realization of the greatest good for all involved.

Peace,
Sengmo

May all being be happy.
May they be free from suffering



11. License to Your Content. By posting, displaying, publishing, transmitting, or otherwise making available (individually and collectively, "posting") any Content on or through our Websites or the Service, you hereby grant to Gaiam a non-exclusive, fully-paid, royalty-free, perpetual, irrevocable, worldwide license (with the right to sublicense through unlimited levels of sublicensees) to use, copy, modify, adapt, translate, create derivative works, publicly perform, publicly display, store, reproduce, transmit, distribute, and otherwise make available such Content on and through our Websites, in print, or in any other format or media now known or hereafter invented, without notification, compensation, or attribution to you, and without your consent. If you wish to remove any Content from the Service, your ability to do so may depend on the type of Content, the location and manner of posting, and other factors. You may contact us at copyright@gaiam.com to request the removal of certain Content you have posted, but Gaiam has no obligation to remove any such Content, may choose whether or not to do so in its sole discretion, and makes no guarantee as to the complete deletion of any such Content and copies thereof. Notwithstanding the foregoing, a back-up or residual copy of any Content posted by you may remain on Gaiam's servers after the Content appears to have been removed from our Websites, and Gaiam retains the rights to all such remaining copies. You represent and warrant that: (i) you own all right, title and interest in all Content posted by you on or through our Websites or the Service, or otherwise have the right to grant the license set forth in this section, and (ii) the posting of your Content on or through our Websites or Service does not violate the privacy rights, publicity rights, copyrights, trademarks, patents, trade secrets, contract rights, confidentiality, or any other rights of any third party.

Blog Update
January 26, 2008

I just realized that many people have read my blog, but not necessarily read through the long list of comments. Hence this update. I am happy to report that Gaia responded quickly through the voice of Sonia. The terms were reverted back to the original terms under Zaadz in less than 24 hours. They read:

“By submitting, displaying or publishing (“posting”) any Content on or through the Website, you hereby grant to Zaadz a non-exclusive, fully-paid and royalty-free, worldwide license (with the right to sub-license through unlimited levels of sub-licensees) to use, copy, reproduce, publish, display, store, transmit and distribute such Content on and through the Website.”

Sonia has explained that this is necessary in order to reproduce and compress files of our work within the Gaia website. Gaia has no intention on selling our creative work.

This I believe. However, I am still not content with the language.

Jordan said: If there are specific reasons to write such encompassing Terms to be covered for particular reasons, why not just write for the particular reasons, and if at a later time a new and unforeseen reason arises then simply modify the Terms at that time.

This was my response: I don't think that Gaia's intention is to take our artwork/music/words and use them for their own purposes, to sell them. What I hear is a very legalized language. Being specific about what Gaia will use our work for–  talking about reuse within the site–makes sense to me. Maybe even mentioning what it will not be used for would set people's mind at ease.

However, the language that is used to describe how Gaia/Zaadz invites us to be on the site is one of the things that attracted me in the first place. "Be yourself…Don't be anybody else…show up as your deepest, truest, most authentic self, so that you can see and encourage that spirit in others…"  This comes from the heart of those who created this community. I would love to see #11 written with this depth of feeling and trust in the process. Rather, #11 feels defensive and frightened.

Where this issue stands is that the language has been reverted to the old Zaadz language, and Gaia is looking into a re-write that might take some time due to dealing with lawyers. Sonia promised to post any updates on the Team blog. I have my fingers crossed, and hold my highest intentions for the Gaia community.

I can't remember. I am continuously being interrupted by a chatterbox of a 5 year-old. It is like externally-imposed early-onset Alzheimer's. Somebody get her a playdate so that she can sync with a like-minded, fellow sanguine! Then I can return to reviewing my own inane obsessions and useless internal banter.

This question arose as a koan for me on December 26th. I am not a Zen student, so the experience of a koan was unsettling. I repeatedly questioned myself during the day, and could not come up with word-able answer. As I lay in bed that night, and abstract visual image of spaciousness and inclusiveness came to me –– but certainly nothing I could describe as a Q + R.

I read other Zaadster's responses, and was helped by my friend Tantricksta's which includes the quote:

Transformation is to translation as moving upstairs in an open-plan house is to moving the furniture around downstairs...meditation will not help us transform our shadow-selves and therapy will not engender a higher state of consciousness....

I am actively meditating. I am also working with a therapist, and other healing modalities. Something struck home in his quote.

So, I did what I often do when feeling on the edge of something intangible; I requested a dream.

My Waking Dream December 27
In my adulthood I have had a series of significant watery dreams. The bodies of water in these dreams have literally represented my unconscious. Originally the dreams were tumultuous and panicky. I often woke in an apnea state, gasping for breath with a racing heart. There was often a small, drowning child who I was unable rescue. Sea monsters of all variety were common. The water has become friendlier over the years, but this dream presented contrast.

Thursday morning's dream began at the seaside. I was running joyfully along the beach chasing enormous whales who were migrating just out of reach, beyond the shore. The whales were surrounded by dancing, playful dolphins who seemed to be celebrating the migration. Every time a whale would breach the surface I would shout out to my best friend and jump up and down with excitement. Each time the whale breached, it looked different: sometimes with a strange head, and another times with a huge dorsal fin. I was aware of the fact that these whales only spent about five percent of their time above water, and I was given the gift of watching this unusual display of their secrets.

The beach morphed into a boat. Water was sloshing onto the deck, and I was stomping around like a toddler in a puddle. The whales were traveling along the boat in the company of a multitude of crazy, outsized water creatures. It was overflowing like a baroque painting of Neptune and his entourage, except the gods and animals resembled the cover of a tacky sci-fi paperback. A headless, claw-less, spotted-green lobster thingy swept over the side of the boat in a wave. It was slimy, unattractive, and about the size of a mini cooper. I side-stroked out of the way as it swam past. I didn't want to touch it, but I wasn't frightened. I then noticed a 5 year-old girl in the water. She was paddling along. Managing. But she looked like she needed comfort. This is when I woke up, as I was reaching to comfort my five year-old.

So, what is shifting in my mind, in my thinking? I am yet unable to distill into words, but I know I must comfort my five year-old as I navigate this shift.

When my holidays are focused on others I don't experience depression. Otherwise I would be drawn in by my expectations. As a mother, it is easy to focus on creating an event for my children.

The only holiday I ever have trouble with is my birthday. So, this year I will listen to my own advice, and focus my birthday on helping others.